Maybe it did not help that I had hot chocolate at 8:30pm...except now it is 4:30am and I have most definitely been awake a good deal since I attempted to go to sleep five hours ago. I am SURE it also did not help that hubbie and I were looking at houses to rent in a new city we may move to in the next few month, pending admission to certain Masters Program. Do not get me wrong, I LOVE my house that we bought in our Midwest city, the way you can only love your first house that you buy together. As my dear Anne Shirley says, it has truly been our "House of Dreams."

I imagine I am like most women in that I am rather particular when it comes to houses. I fancy that I am peculiar in that my particulars seem to range in the extreme. Maybe that comes from being an introverted housewife and owning a home business - home is work, play, rest all rolled into one building. Oh and did I mention that the home business is making wedding cakes? So the kitchen, yes, it is very close to the most important room in the house.

I was all settled into the idea of praying for a house that is reasonable as we seriously consider our East Coast move...that is, until hubbie, dreamer par excellence, starts pulling up pictures (and prices) that I should be sure are beyond us.

Well, I may as well put it out, since the ideas have kept me up half the night, and then maybe I can fall asleep while there is still darkness left to the morning. Keep in mind now, that I am "dreaming big" and I do believe that sometimes we do not have because we do not ask. Gracious, let me not fail in the asking! So the dream is for a large house, at least 2,000 sq feet with at least 4 bedrooms and an office. The master bedroom must have its own bathroom, complete with a double vanity, a deep tub, a window in the bathroom and a separate water closet. The bedroom needs high ceilings or at least a knock out ceiling, plenty of windows and should be private from the other bedrooms. The master bedroom must be the quietest room in the house and large enough to comfortably house a king size canopy bed, one or two dressers, double bedside tables, bench and or a chair, and possibly an armoire. Large walk-in closet is of course necessary and a window in the closet sounds nice. Two of the other rooms should be large enough to house a queen canopy bed, dresser, bedside tables, chair and possibly a desk. These rooms also would benefit from large walk in closets. It would be wonderful if one of the rooms was in its own "space" with its own bathroom, like a basement room with a large window or room over the garage. The last bedroom needs to be large enough for a crib, double or queen bed with bedside tables, dresser and changing table, and rocking chair.

The said kitchen, well, marble or granite countertops would be nice. A large island for rolling out fondant, with at least a 40x30 space uniterrupted by seams, sinks etc. Lots of cream colored cabinets, I could fill 30-50 of them! A quality dishwasher and a fridge with either french doors and freezer below or a single door with freezer below ... a side by side is NOT acceptable. The sink is NOT stainless steel nor is the faucet. The very large double sink has a spray nozzle and cleans easily. The 2-3 car garage has plenty of space for shelves, peg board and a stand up freezer and refrigerator. There is plenty of counter space for stand up mixer, toaster oven and there are open, dust free shelves for some easy access drinking glasses. The kitchen has space for at least an overstuffed chair and or a loveseat and coffee table. Also room for a decent size eat in table AND a separate, formal dining room. The cabinets have many slide out shelves and some cabinets have glass fronts for china. The kitchen is open with a breakfast bar or at least many windows. Hardwood floors or at least new carpet are a must. Tiled bathrooms would be lovely. A large laundry room with state of the art washer and dryer, folding table and shelves and cabinets are a nice addition. Somewhere there needs to be space for dust-free storage for all my wedding cake and catering supplies. Oh and did I mention that a double oven would be delightful :-)

On to the yard, fenced in of course, on at least a half acre. There are trees, not blocking the sunlight but providing privacy. The house itself is close to East Coast university, a distance easily traversed by students, guests and hubbie. A large linen closet and coat closet are required and a screened in porch with outdoor sun deck is lovely. A front porch is homely, but not required. The foyer or living area has a vaulted ceiling and the kitchen also has high or vaulted ceilings. A mud room would be great, largely so I can decide if it really is "all that" and if I want one in my "homestead one day" house.

Plenty of entertaining space is necessary and the office must have a window, room for a moderate desk, comfortable chair and maybe a couch. I would not complain about being in a col-de-sac or having access to walking paths. The mail is secure, the neighborhood quiet and access to grocery stores, organic markets and general shopping are plentiful.

Ah, well there you go - a whole hour later and now daylight is quickly approaching. Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than I ask for or imagine, I leave my dreaming with You. There are more immediate miracles necessary if said move could even happen, I shall leave step four with you while I work on step one. My right now step involved nourishing little baby in the womb, maintaining the peace and joy of my heart and storing up joy and energy should such move come to pass. Oh grace to live in the moment, I find my peace in Him.

Reminders

This afternoon I am reminded of the reality of the parts of me yet unredeemed. I dreamt the other night that I was wearing all black while my car was stolen almost with my permission, as I had left my purse and keys in the car with the doors unlocked. This dream the morning before reading, "I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought."

Ugh. Looking in that mirror, aware of the anger in my heart, no wonder I feel like the unreverent wretch I am when left to my own devices.

Thanks be that I have NOT been left to my own devices but to leading that is both gentle and strong. Oh Lord, lead me in thy sweet way and grant me understanding. It is not enough to follow you without knowing you. It is not enough to hear your words without understanding them, or worse, to misunderstand them. I have suffered a great pain for misunderstanding. I am not eager to do so again. Lead me on in your kind way, you who are able, I find my rest in you.

One Too Many

For various and asundry reasons, I find myself unnerved by the displeasure of those close to me, especially when such displease is directed toward my own choices, quirks, or personality in general. As such, it is no wonder I feel rather off kilter by my current happiness, as I have only this morning experienced a blunt criticism of a decision I labored long to make.

For you see, it was one too many. This one, dear to my heart, and I cannot seem to see eye to eye on several deep and and purposeful decisions I have made and even on a direction I have taken in life. We have a long history, this one and I, and have both celebrated, mourned, and shared life together for many seasons. So it stands to reason that I would value sincerely the opinions she holds and take to heart the criticisms, generally constructive, that she makes.

Yet months have passed, with the distance between us in this subject growing. The distance seems to be planted with active landmines and I know, for I have often tried to cross. Either when she has called me to come to where she stands or when I have reached towards her to explain why I stand far off, her displeasure has erupted in my soul, with shards of self doubt and anxiety that I have chosen the wrong way.

This morning was externally no different, she parted our short moment shared in conversation with a blunt assertion that I have put myself on an unrighteous path. I even cautioned her before she let words leave her mouth, for I have traversed this path often enough to know it was coming. No point in defending my stance, done that before too. One of my first thoughts was to be thankful I had planned for time to sit and spend time with my Father who loves me, to ask his perspective, which I have done on this subject many many times before.

The difference in this morning, you see, was that it was one time too many. In the moments I first turned Him, all the perspective and comfort he's already given welled up in my heart. Yes, it welled up like a mighty storm and took hold of that criticism, took hold and tossed it back into oblivion with a forceful, "NO YOU WON'T detonate in my heart today!" And in joy, I breath in the peace of the morning and the promise of a beautiful day.